Chel$ki Abramograd F.C.
More Than Just Член
Name: Союз Советских Социалистических Республик
Lokomotiv Chel$ki Abramograd F.C
Together, Impossible is Nothing (if you don't count winning penalty shootouts)
Founded 2003
Ground Stamford Bridge, London
Manager Carletto Ancelotti
Communist Overlord Roman Abramovich
Cunt Executive Peter Kenyon
League FA Premier League
“"I was surprised to have missed the penalty, but it's not me fault, the pitch was fuckin shite and then as I slipped, a bit of grass got in me eye and made me eyes water. Can I have me money now please?"”
~ John Terry on that miss in Moscow
“"Roman says he will win a European trophy if it kills him - either that, or he will kill everyone else in Europe"”
~ Peter Kenyon looks ahead to Chel$ki's 2008/09 Champions League campaign
“"I am delighted to take up this sack of money.... I mean position. I am delighted to take up this position!"”
~ Jose Mourinho upon signing on as Chelsea manager
“"What a top, top, top, top, top, top, top, top player"”
~ Jamie Redknapp on Frank Lampard
“"In Soviet Russia, goal scores you!"”
~ Roman Abramovich on Andriy Shevchenko
Lokomotiv Chel$ki Abramograd Football Club (Russian: Рома́н Арка́дьевич Абрамо́вич);, also known as Chelsea FC, Glory Hunters FC and The Bestest Team Ever, Ever are a London based football club founded by a Russian billionaire in 2003. Chel$ki are a complete sham of a club with their fans perpetually engaged in a fierce battle of glory hunting with the fans of the Manchester Red Sox.
Since football was first played in 2003 Chel$ki have crushed the weak Premier League three times, as well as winning the Fuck All Cup in 2007, 2009 and 2010 and reaching the final of the 2008 European Championship of Glory Hunting, which is a money-driven farce of a competition designed to make rich European clubs even richer.
Chel$ki's traditional kit colours are blue shirts and shorts with white socks, however, Roman plans to change this to a lovely red and yellow number with CCCP written across the front by August 2011. The club crest has been changed several times in attempts to appeal to their glory hunter supporters. Roman originally suggested to placing stars around the crest to signify the amount of European Cups they have won. When he was advised that Chel$ki had not yet actually won a European Cup, he instead decided to use a Hammer and Sickle, designed to strike fear and suffering into the hearts of all across Europe. Forward Russia!
1905-2003
Chelsea Football Club was started in 1905 by some fat drunk geezers in a pub (true story - look it up!) From the onset, they were fucking shite - although they almost won the FA Cup final in 1915, where they lost to fellow dippers Sheffield United. Between then and 2003, Chelsea werefucking shit, and as a result, they won nothing, being voted the greatest fuck up of a club in English history.
They also fluked it and won the league in 1955 - mainly because all of the other teams felt sorry for them and let them win that year.
In the late 90s, they did have some Italian minger called Gianfranco Zola, who was a ripper player, but even with Zola, they still won fuck all trophies.
The Abramovich Era (2003-Present)
In June 2003, Russian crime boss and oil magnate Roman Abramovich bought the club for no apparent reason apart from to feed his own ego. It cost him £140 million of money he pilfered off poor innocent Russian civilians. Abramovich is a fucking cunt lady boy with a cum stain on his beard. He spent even more blood money on some of the world's biggest scummy cunt mercenary players, such as Michael Essien and Didhedive Dogshit, who is a faggot who loves it in the batty.
Ranieri was unable to deliver any trophies, so Roman had him executed in by the Russian Mafia, but convinced the English press that he fired him. He then brought in Jose Mourinho - a smelly, arrogant, egocentric Portuguese cunt who won Chelsea a great big fucking shitload of shit, including back to back Premier League titles, two Community Shields, two Carling Cups and the FA Cup in 2007. Jose sucked Peter Kenyon's cock every night. In September 2007, Jose refused to suck Kenyon's cock as he was not in the mood. Because of this, Mourinho was replaced by Avram Grant, who led the club to their first European Glory Hunting Championship Final which they fucked up. Grant was executed after this failure and was succeeded by Luiz Felipe Scolari in July 2008. Scolari was even more of a fuck up than Grant - and after a set of dismal results that included losing twice to the bin dippers, Scolari was relocated to another division of Roman's evil empire - drug money launderer and part-time football club Byundkor. Carlo Ancelotti was appointed as Chelsea manager in 2009 and won the Premier League in his first season although everyone knows this was only because Ronaldo fucked off to Madrid.
Chel$ki Player Prerequisites
1. Player must cost over £20 million (even if they are really, really shit; see Florent Malouda, Solomon Kalou)
2. Player must be paraded around for media upon being signed, preferably holding Peter Kenyon's penis, but if not possible, a Chel$ki shirt will do
3. Player must be prepared to drill for oil in Russia if not good enough to make the first team
4. Player must also work 200 mandatory hours as a henchman at Roman's secret evil volcano lair in Siberia
5. Player cannot be English unless they have a stupid accent, shit hair and are totally despicable
6. Player must dive. Frequently.
7. Player must believe that they are at least ten times better than they actually are (see Didhedive Dogshit)
8. Player must oil up Peter Kenyon's head and kiss it at least three times per week
Current Squad
1. Petr Cech the mong
Chel$ki's goalkeeper. Cech famously headbutted Stephen Hunt's knee in a game against Reading and even more famously claimed he suffered a "stress fracture" to his skull. He now wears a mong helmet when he plays. Luckily for Reading, Hunt's knee made a full recovery.
Since the incident, Cech's IQ has dropped to the same level as a baked potato. When not playing, Cech is safely kept inside a padded room, where he shits in his hand and throws it at people.
3. Cashley Judas Asshole Cunt Tweedy
“"For fucks sake you cunts, help the poor little fucker will ya!!! How the fuck can he fucking live on £55,000 a fucking week!!"”
~ Bob Geldof on Arsenal's offer to Ashley Cole
Cashley Judas Asshole Cunt Tweedy is a scummy little cunty, bollock licking, phone vibrating up the ass using, picker of his ring hole. He is the biggest ladyboy bellend gobshite that has ever pulled on a pair of boots. Known for being a closet fudge packer, Cashley has a sham publicity marriage to the chav slapper from Girls Aloud. He is also Joe Cole's long lost incestual fuck buddy. In a recent game against Kazakhstan playing for England, Ashley got his scrotum grabbed by an opposing player. Since then, he has had a raging erection that has resulted in his inability to play football indefinitely. He eats Juliano Belletti's shit.
Cashley was once a penniless hobo that roamed the streets of London, working as a part time prostitute (bum sex only) for expensive customers (see Jose Mourinho). One day, this French bloke said with no expression on his face "Jue c'omm wiff me en I make jue an offeur jue cannot refuez".
Ashley married racist singer Cheryl Tweedy, as an act of convenience, despite his very public sexual relationship with John Terry. The marriage is beneficial to Ashley as it disguises the fact that he is actually gay, while Tweedy uses the marriage to pretend that she is not racist.
5. Michael Essien 
Known for his sexual frustrations, Essien was famous in Ghana for promoting the use of Viagra, as they seemed to give him a burst of hormonal rage in which he would attempt to kick strikers, teammates, referees and mascots in the genital region.
Essien uses a special motivational technique learnt from the Adam Sandler movie "Waterboy", in which John Terry says to him before a match "Hey Michael, the whole other team banged your mum - you gonna let them get away with it?". Michael is therefore a very angry man. As angry as he is one thing's for sure, he's one ugly son of a bitch. Essien holds the record of biggest forehead in the Premier League - it is so big that the Chelsea squad use it as a target board to kick balls at during training.
8. Fat Frank Lumpalard
Fat Frank is most famous for winning Major League Eating's World Series a record six consecutive times. Having reached the pinnacle of professional eating, Frank embarked on his footballing career, and today is most famous for shooting on average over 200 times per match. Some have compared his shooting tactic to that of the US Army - eventually one of them has to hit a large Arab nation. Fat Frank currently holds the Chel$ki record for most number of deflections leading to a goal, with 36 (34 of those being off his own arse).
He came through the youth system at West Ham, however, upon realising that he wasn't actually going to be paid in ham in the first team, he sought a transfer to Chel$ki.
Upon signing for Chel$ki, many supporters began to suspect that Frank was in fact born a retard, as team members were often seen shouting at him, perhaps reminding him to kick as hard and straight as he can towards the different shirt-coloured player standing between the posts. Today, Chel$ki fans have realised that he is in fact a genius, having developed the ability to teleport and go down the pie shop for the first sixty minutes of the game, before reappearing on the pitch and accidentally kicking the ball into an opposing player which by chance bounces into their net.
Recently, Frank grew so large that he was no longer able to use the conventional entrance to the pitch with the other players. To ensure their star player could still play, a hole was blasted in the corner of Stamford Bridge in order to get his forklift in.
In his autobiography "Food and Me", Frank stated that he says he does intend to lose weight, because if he grows much larger he will implode into himself causing a shit hole, and no one wants another Liverpool, do they?
For more see Frank Lampard.
It has been rumored that Essien is a prototype in Abramovich's evil scheme to create a super race of cyborg footballers. He doesn't feel pity, remorse or fear, and absolutely will not stop. Ever.
In late 2007, in a further attempt to disguise his sexuality, Cole cheated on Cheryl with a blonde slag, however, it turned out that this was also an act of convenience, as she actually had a penis.
10. Joe "I shall not pass!" Cole
He with the patchy growth. Cheeky chappy Joe is a real man's man and tops up his earnings by being a Soho rent boy. Joe, when playing football, can be a real match winner. When he isn't being a footballer or a rent boy he whiles away his time trying to chat up models and then being beaten up by their boyfriends. He's the first of the contestants from the game show "I'm A Mong, Give Me Job" to find fame and fortune in football.
Unknown to many, Joe Cole is actually an albino whose ancestors descended from South America, which explains why he's the only white English player who can dribble.
11. Didhedive Dogshit
An Ivorian striker with really shit hair, Dogshit is the only openly gay player in the premiership. Over six foot tall and built like an ox, Didhedive goes down quicker than Wayne Rooney in an old people's home.
Known to opposition players as "The Dying Swan", Didhedive is one of the all time legends of the Chel$ki squad, despite being burdened with 'Klinsmann's disease', a terrible balance insufficiency syndrome which makes the patient tip over at the slightest movement of air around him. Upon first coming to London, Dogshit spent weeks in hospital due to embarrassing falling-on-the-street-and-sobbing-like-a-child incidents, which led to him being kicked to the shit by all sorts of London folk.
Recent season have seen an improvement in form for Dogshit. leading to accusations that Didhedive has sold his soul to Satan. These claims have not been substantiated, and a far more likely conclusion is that Dogshit got laid. Cashley Cole has refused to comment on this but was seen leaving Dogshit's apartment with a a semi-on and a weird vibrating sound - unlike that of a cell phone - emminating from his anus.
12. John Mikel Obi Wan Kenobi
Son of Ben Kenobi, John shunned a life of learning the ways of the Jedi to become a footballer. He started out playing for Lyn Oslo, a Norwegian women's team. It wasn't long until he caught the eye of a horny Rio Ferdinand, who thought that he would be good value at the next Manchester United "Special" No-WAGs-allowed Christmas Party.
Mourinho also spotted his talents, and offered him even more money to go home off the street with the Chel$ki boys instead, which he gleefully accepted. Ashley Cole was especially delighted with Mikel's arrival for reasons other than football.
15. Florence "Is he even on the pitch?" Malouda
Signed in 2007, this French winger looks almost identical to Soulja Boy Kaloooouuuuuu; although he is slightly shittier. Florence is known for his amazing ability of being dispossessed at any chance he gets. He is also skilled at being completely unable to pass another player.
In 2008, he received the honour of being named "Francaise Turd Footballer", an award he received ahead of teammate Nicolaziness "Le Sulk" Anelka. The award was a ceremonial baguette, presented to him by the rather fit Carla Brunei. Honoured to receive the award, Florence said to the Chelsea fans: "I am greatly honoured to receive this award, and promise to play twice as shit next season". Manager Squeak Scolari critisised him for setting such a difficult target for himself.
17. Jose Monobrow-singwa
“"Look at the size of that fucking monobrow!"”
~ Casual observer on Bosingwa's footballing ability
Martian-like Portuguese right-back, Bosingwa signed for Chelsea and immediately shocked, as he was the first Chel$ki right-back who was actually not shit. He is known for his incredibly ugly head, and in particular, his giant monobrow, which spans 3 feet wide across his forehead.
It has been rumored that his footballing ability, and indeed his life force, is directly connected to his monobrow. Shaving it will most likely kill him.
20. Deco a.k.a. Scolari's Fuck Buddy
Chelsea midfielder and playmaker Deco spent the early years of his career in a gay marriage with Jose Mourinho in Portugal. Everything changed in Deco's career when the slut was caught cheating on the Special One with new black love interest Frank Rijkaard. What followed was a bitter divorce proceeding, in which Deco pissed off to Spain.
Once arriving in his new home of Barcelona, Deco promptly started a gay relationship with Ronaldinho. A favourite past time of the couple was going to Chubby's Gay Bar where they would dance to the Village People and Bear Force One all night. One day, whilst lying on the couch watching "Will and Grace", Deco told Ronaldinho he loved Chubby's. Ronnie, however, got the wrong idea and decided to pork it up for his man.
As Ronnie grew fatter, Deco was finding himself less attracted to the buck toothed one, and upon the arrival of Lionel Messi, things got messy. The situation exploded when Ronaldinho walked in on Messi and Deco bumming in the locker rooms. From this point on, Barca turned to pure shite as Deco and Ronnie rufused to play together. Deco tried a new badass shaved hair style to win Ronnie back, but it was too late, and the club settled the dispute by selling both players on.
During Euro 2008, the now single Deco had to fight off the ravenous advances of Cristiano Ronaldo, who suggested that they play naked five-a-side in Portugal training to help the team bond, a proposition that was also supported by Retardo Carvalho.
Since Scolari's departure from Chelsea, Deco has been suffering lover's angst.
21. Soulja Boy Kaloooooouuuuuuuuuu
Looks like Malouda. Kalou is Drogba's favourite Ivorian bum boy - rumour has it that they bum each other several times each night, as well as before and after matches.
Also famous Supermanning hos.
22. Paulo Ferrari
The forgotten defender, Ferrari was once called the best defender in the world by Mourinho, which was a really good joke at parties. Noone really cares about him - not even his mum.
Recent times have seen an upturn in form for Malouda - and this has led to accusations that he has been using horse steroids. When asked about these allegations, Chelsea captain John Terry said: "Although Florent has started to resemble a horse in apperance lately, I can assure you that he is not cheating by using steroids. The only person doing any cheating around here is me!"
26. John Terry
Terry mercilessly goes for the foot
“"It's just a bit of friendly competition, all in the name of winning the ball eh?"”
~ John Terry, after decapitating an opposition player in a challenge
“"If he's such a shit player, then why is his rating so high on FIFA 09??"”
~ Typical Chelsea glory hunter on John Terry
John "Lionheart" Terry is captain of Chel$ki, a thug, a lying cheat, Jose's ex-bum boy and an all around professional cunt. It is also rumored that he is a footballer, however, these reports are yet to be confirmed, with many stating that he is in-fact a rugby player.
In recent years, Terry has implemented wrestling tactics into his game, which were taught to him by his close friend Chris Benoit. These defensive tactics include: stabbing a player repeatedly and mutilating the body; taking off his belt and whipping the referee before he pulls out a card; choking out the opposing striker when the referee isn't looking; and murdering every single player on the other team by tackling them in the face. He has also been known to go to the extent of murdering everyone in the stadium who doesn't support Chel$ki.
He is also known for his famous group orgy with all the Coles. According to his mentor Jose, it was the first time he let any balls in 'round the back. Terry has one flaw in his game, he is retarded as soon as any player with an inkling of skill tries to pass him with the ball at their feet. Ronaldinho is most famous for this. When Chel$ki played Barcelona in 2006, Ronaldinho dribbled up to him, spat in his face, nutmegged him repeatedly then did the old "hey look behind you" trick before rounding him (not without knocking him embarrassingly to the ground first).
That fucking penalty
Terry's disguised appearance of being a reliable player was revealed when Avram Grant foolishly picked him to take a penalty in the 2008 Champions League final. Preoccupied with how he was going to be a hero and the first Chel$ki captain to lift the prestigious trophy in his mind, Terry forgot to remove his customary full time slippers (which later lived up their name) before approaching the penalty spot. Terry "slipped" whilst taking the penalty and hit the post, effectively losing the game.
Following the incident, wanting to prove he was a true blue and man's man, he showed off a new tattoo - 'Chelsea Rules', written in elaborate Chinese letters.
"Classy innit?" he said proudly. After closer inspection, a Chinese press man told Terry it actually said 'arse badger.'
The cheating incident
Teary was also recently caught shagging with former wife of former teammate Wayne Bridge.
39. Nicklaziness "Le Sulk" Anelka Dogpoo
“"After playing for PSG, Arsenal, Madrid, a few months at Liverpool, PSG again, Fenerbache, Manchester City, the Lilli Pilli 21As, Basingstoke Town Football Club, York town, Chicago, Kashima Antlers, LA Galaxy, New England Patriots and Bolton, I am proud to be finally playing for the greatest club in the world; Manchester United!.........um, I mean Chelsea!"”
~ Anelka, upon signing for Chel$ki
Sulky French striker. Dogpoo Anelka is a world reknowned mercenary and bounty hunter, widely known for his habit of switching teams several times per hour, which often causes massive confusions in matches when he randomly changes his uniforms. In a 1996 match between Arsenal and Liverpool, he was spotted on the pitch running around with a Real Madrid uniform. Ten minutes after that had he been transferred to Leeds, and only five minutes after that, he signed for AC Milan. It is rumored that his miss in Moscow was due to a temporary loan deal he signed with Manchester United during extra time.
In October 2008, the Oxford Dictionary was revised, with it stating that the words "Anelka" and "Shit" are now interchangable. Therefore, the following phrases are now completely legitimate:
"Where's the toilet, I need to do an Anelka"
"I think i'm gonna Anelka my pants"
Anelka is frequently spooned by fellow teammate, Didhieve Dogshit.
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